This short essay on boundaries was copied from a SlutStack post.

tl;dr - This sex doc may be shared as a starting point for convos, but does not replace typical consent and boundary negotiation practices.

I tend to be happy to try things that have no sexual interest to me, so long as I don’t have a disgust or (non-sexy) fear reaction. I do have a disgust reaction when it comes to cutting, blood play, urine, and scat play. I have never been interested in fisting, but if it was a partner’s thing, I’d want to try it. I am curious about anal and DP primarily because I have partners who are very into this. But I tend to be surrounded by rather large dicks that are a bit beyond my natural capacity. I’ve attempted anal but it generally requires a lot of effort and patience relative to the reward. Therefore, I am mainly drawn to it as part of an extended training scenario with a trusted partner, but not as an everyday activity. I haven’t attempted DP but this seems like it could be really hot with the right partners. I don’t have much interest at this time in casual anal, so I would have a boundary against anal at sex parties, for example.

My boundaries are set iteratively, and in the context of each relationship and situation. I may have slightly different boundaries with different partners or in different environments, depending on factors like STI risk, pregnancy risk, trust levels, experience levels, and what the space supports. For example, I may use barriers with some partners, but not with others. I may want my trusted partners to choke me, but I may ask casual partners not to. I may refuse to participate in DDlg dynamics at certain sex parties, even if I enjoy that in other contexts. In this sense, my boundaries are often about my own comfort but they may also extend to include the comfort of my other partners or the other people at an event.

I have set my boundaries based on a mixture of trial and error and reflection. Some things I don’t really need to try out to know that I’m actively uninterested. But when there’s a gray zone, I am generally happy to experiment to learn more about what I like and don’t like. I tend to be happiest with partners who know where boundaries are pushable vs where they are solid (hard limits). Sometimes a boundary is related to physical or psychological comfort, but with the right partner, expanding that boundary could be an excellent bonding opportunity. And then there are other hard limits where pushing the boundary would be unwelcome and not erotic whatsoever. It’s important to communicate nuances clearly to define the difference.

This current sex doc tangentially covers some of my boundaries, but frames them as “dislikes”. I’m also a bit reluctant to rely on the sex doc when it comes to boundaries, since I do have some bespoke boundaries across different partners and situations. If in doubt, better to talk about it before surprising me. Also, my dislikes do not necessarily neatly map to boundaries. I dislike when partners spit in my mouth, but I do not have a boundary against it and would have no need to safeword if it happens.

On the topic of dislikes, there’s also some areas that I don’t tend to frame as “boundaries” but that nonetheless seem reasonable to cover here as well. I don’t really need a boundary against “Pandora takes the dominant role” or “Pandora initiates sex” because I can pretty much just choose not to do that until I feel comfortable. If I had a partner who was pressuring me into doing those things prematurely, I’d set a boundary against it.

As a kinky poly person, boundaries around specific sex acts are only part of the equation. Some of my boundaries are sexual, some are relational, and some are both. For example, I have a boundary against power dynamics extending outside of sex, which is primarily about maintaining relationship balance. I also have a boundary against being told who I can or cannot have sex with, which is mainly about preserving my autonomy.

One final key aspect of boundaries, is what happens if a boundary is violated? A boundary violation would probably look like me safewording and reminding my partner of the boundary. I’d expect my partner to apologize for and explain the mistake and make a plan for it to not happen again. After that repair, we’d probably just move on. I simply don’t think I’m dating anyone who is careless or actively ignores boundaries. So I don’t really need to establish consequences for rare mistakes. I tend to expect the best intentions of my partners and understand that an honest mistake may occasionally happen. If I noticed someone was repeatedly disrespecting my boundaries, they wouldn’t be allowed to stick around very long. Also, if someone flagrantly violated a critical boundary or consent norm, I might just end the relationship there (I’ve had to do this once in the past).